I’ll See You In Eternity
Written June 10th, 2015.
This month I would have been full term. It’s a strange, emotional month for me. It’s strange because my office should be a nursery and sometimes I walk in there and get upset because it doesn’t feel right. My emotions just hit me like a brick. It’s like walking into a glass door and not realizing what’s happening until you smash your face on the glass. And OF COURSE Mother’s Day had to be last month and I wanted to celebrate the mothers in my life, but it hurts because I should be celebrating being a mom. If you have ever felt like you couldn’t catch a break, you can understand my frustration.
What I have to say isn’t happy and cheerful, it’s honest and emotional. I am not writing this because I want to expose a part of mine and my husband’s life that we have kept pretty hidden. I am not writing this to get your pity or attention. I am writing this because I want women and men who have felt this pain to know that you are allowed to be upset and you need to grieve.
Going through this as a woman, I thought a lot of things that were not uplifting. “Can I have kids? What happens now? Why is this happening? The one thing my body should do, it fails at! I want my baby!” My poor husband has wanted to be a dad since our honeymoon. He was crushed. He waited 4 years for me to want to get pregnant and this happens. He wasn’t sure how to help me and I wasn’t sure how to help him. Crying and cuddling got us through some nights. I thank God for those nights.
My doctor told us that miscarriages are common. That’s right, they are common in first pregnancies, and I get that, but did she think that is what a person wants to hear a few days after they were told, “I am so sorry, there isn’t a heartbeat”? Well to help you out, it isn’t.
I have come to the conclusion that not everyone has the right words to say. Most people don’t know what to tell a person after they’ve lost their baby, and that’s okay. If you have no experience with feeling this loss it’s hard to find the right words to say. Sometimes just being there for someone in pain and telling them you are there for them can make a huge impact. My best friends, who live all the way in California, sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The poor delivery lady had to see me looking like a “hot mess”. I cried the moment I took the flowers from her. That day, my best friends didn’t have to say a single thing, but by simply sending flowers it made me feel 10 times better.
I went through months of recovery and even had to go to the emergency room. It was extremely stressful, and looking back, it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes I fear this is going to happen again. What if I can get pregnant but my body can’t stay pregnant? I have to remember that fear is not of God and that the enemy is a bully who needs to be reminded of how powerful my God is.
When thinking of what God’s plan for my life is, I wonder how a miscarriage benefits me. It has caused both my husband and I a lot of sadness and frustration. I know for me, I was also angry. I asked God “WHY?!” over and over again. I’m still waiting on that answer. I may never know until I get to heaven, but it will all make sense then. I know that I will get to spend eternity with my precious baby, but I wish he or she could be with me here too. I know that God’s plan doesn’t always match mine. I know that He needs to make the decisions and not me. If I made them we’d all be in trouble.
I always hear people say, “It could be worse”, “so and so is going through this…” Blah, blah, blah. Yes, they are completely right, it could be worse, but in my opinion saying that does you nothing. Maybe it is different for you, but being told that didn’t make my pain go away. In no way was comparing my situation to someone else’s productive for my healing process. At that point, I was thinking of not only my own pain, but also the pain that someone else is going through, and it sucked. Yes, it sucked.
My point in all of this, is that the pain you feel is valid. Yes, others could be going through a worse situation than you, but that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid. If you are going through something painful right now, you are allowed to grieve, you’re allowed to be upset, and that is completely okay. Don’t let anyone downplay your grief.
While I am on this earth I may never understand why I miscarried. I may never fully understand the benefit of this pain, but I do know that God is the creator of all things and there is a time for everything and he makes no mistakes. Ecclesiastes 3: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens, 2 a time to be born and a time to die… 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…”
Right now it is my time to weep and mourn, but you know what? My time to laugh and to dance is coming, I know it is. I do not know when, but I can feel it. I don’t know everything, and will never know everything, but I know my God is here for me even when I feel lost, frustrated and even when I am angry at Him. He already knows, He is just waiting for me to tell him myself.
If you have shared this pain my husband and I feel, or if you are going through a time in your life that isn’t great, I am genuinely sorry. Please take the time to work through your emotions. Sometimes life throws you curve balls, I guess we just need to figure out a safe way to catch them.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Posted 10th June by Throwing Down Thoughts